On Fruit and Happiness

A big part of what I've been trying to do in bettering my existence is to do with food. As an eating disorder sufferer, I've always had a difficult relationship with food, especially since I've regained a healthy weight, and choosing and eating food can be incredibly stressful for me.

Part of this stress is striking a balance between eating healthy and eating at all. A diet that involves lots of fresh fruit and vegetables is great, but it can be a bit of a slippery slope. The great thing about this time of year (summer!) is that there is so much beautiful fruit and veg to eat, I eat enough to be healthy without feeling the kind of debilitating guilt that comes with the kinds of rich, starchy things we generally reach for in the winter.

This has turned out to be a bit of a negative post, and I'm sorry about that. I do genuinely love food, and cooking, and eating, and that's why it's quite difficult to talk about these things, because whilst my "episode" is more than five years in the past, it is impossible to get rid of the feelings and thoughts entirely. The best way of dealing with it is to really enjoy your food and lead as active a lifestyle as you can.

.. and you really can't be grumpy when there are fresh figs in the house, can you?

My Darling Annie

Hello!

It's been quite a while since I've written here, and there's really no good reason for it.

I've been feeling a vague but pervading sense of unease. I'm tired, anxious, and self-loathing all the time. I'm lethargic and devastatingly lacking in creative drive.

So here I am, back again, looking to this happy, safe place to pt my thoughts down in hopes of rehabilitating my soul. Right now it's late, and I've spent a little too much of this evening fiddling with photos on my computer, so I'll bid you goodnight, until tomorrow morning, when I will return to share some of the things I've been doing, thinking, and enjoying.

I'm also considering a new layout...

Anyway. Goodnight.

p.s. That's my new camera in that photo! It's a Nikon D3000 and I adore her. I've named her Annie for a large/embarrassing list of reasons. She cheers me up - you'll be seeing a lot of her work around here from now on.

Mission Lifestyle Rearrangement: Day Two

Last night I stayed up too late. Bad start to my Brand New Girl push, perhaps, but the point is that I woke up at eight thirty this morning and felt truly rested.

I hardly ever feel rested, so that was very exciting. I put it down to drinking lots of water.

I then hopped in the car with my family (including my brother, who was Not Happy about being woken... he's seventeen, which pretty much explains that) and drove to to beautiful Clovelly, where I had my first swim of the summer!

If there was ever something that deserved bold-ing, it is that. The water was perfect, the fish were swimming happily around my ankles, and although the blue groper eluded me, I saw a fish that I thought was a parrot fish and ended up being just a very clever regular fish carrying a stone in its mouth.

Getting physically active - tick!

I also enjoyed some pretty wonderful food, which I'd like to share in my slightly crazy, point-form way:

• tabouli in pita bread pockets with baba ganouj
• a big old strawberry milkshake
• door-stop sized slices of a wonderful chewy sourdough bread we bought from a woman selling loaves over her garden gate in Clovelly, with olive butter
• Fresh strawberries and grain crisps

Documenting food and exercise may be very boring for any readers I may still have, but is wonderfully helpful to me. I hope I can keep going like this for at least another little while...

Mission Lifestyle Rearrangement

I think I probably could have managed a snappier title. Oh well!

Yes, I am, to put it mildly, COMPLETELY FED UP with my failing immune system and as such have decided that I need a serious shift in habits to stop my body from giving up on me.

So, I've made some goals:

1. No more alcohol.

I don't drink that much, really, but occasionally I drink too much too frequently and make myself very unhappy. I think it has something to do with not drinking at all until after I turned eighteen due to a mixture of respect for the law (ha) and the fact that my liver just couldn't take it after I was seriously ill when I was younger.

Normal nineteen year olds are far more bullet-proof than I am, and I must remember that.

What I will do now is swear off the demon drink altogether until the 20th of March (the closing night of the next show I'm producing) and then reassess whether I really can't live without it after that.

Besides, less drinks = more shoes. Or something.

2. Get physically active.

This is a hard one. Apart from the effort it takes to actually get out of the house after you've had the flu or similar (as I've experienced repeatedly in recent months), Australian summers are unkind to those who wish to walk/jog/do anything out of the water. Luckily enough, I'm a very strong and fairly fearless swimmer, so that makes my choice easy.

I'm on holidays. My boyfriend drives, my parents both drive, they all like going to the beach (even though Roman swims like an Englishman*) so that's what we will do. I will go swim laps of Clovelly Bay every day I can this summer, and on days I can't, I will either go for a nice long walk after dark, or put on Paul Simon and dance like a maniac.

*Not very well

3. Eat Well

I know I can do better than I'm doing right now. I plan to eat healthy amounts of healthy food and stop buying meals wherever possible. For example, today (day one) I have eaten:

• An organic cheddar, bean and tomato toasted sandwich with orange juice for breakfast
• A small but awesome serving of Dad's home made veggie fried-rice
• A parsley omelette with rye toast, fresh tomatoes and baba ganouj.
• About to eat apple slices and raisins in natural yoghurt. Yum yum yum.

The great thing is I know it makes me feel so much better than eating the crap I usually buy at uni or work. So yay, let's hope I can keep it up.

3.1 Eat Meat!

My vegetarian period has coincided with the highest rate of recurring illness in my life. After watching far too much of Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall on River Cottage, I've realised that as long as you eat good meat that has been treated organically and ethically in its previous life, it's not actually a sin to be an omnivore. Plus, my dad makes amazing lemon lamb.

4. Drink water

Seems dumb, right? Well I am dumb. Profoundly, apparently, because my doctor says that two days ago I was so dehydrated it was raising my heart rate. More fluids required. This is an important one for everyone, I think, especially anyone planning on dealing with Australian weather over the next few months.

5. Get on the self-respect wagon

This is the big one. When I'm staying up to all hours with no food and too much drink in me, I forget that I'm actually a bit of a goddess.

This sounds ridiculous, and in many ways it is, but I don't think it'd kill me to remember that I've got a beautiful, feminine body that needs a bit of care given and attention paid.

..Which is why I painted my nails! They're a deep, shimmery turquoise. Like the shadow of an iceberg under the southern waves.

It's the beginning of appreciating what my body does for me and thanking it just a little for that immense labour.

I know I'm going to get better.